15 October 2013

No shutdown of their appetites

Disgusted with a government shutdown that’s gone well into its second week, the squirrels of Washington, D.C., are taking the country back, one tomato at a time.

Stubborn, indolent Democrats and Republicans who populate Congress have shown very little fruits for their equally paltry labors but a lively bipartisan bunch of eastern grays has been enjoying the best fruits of all – the Presidential tomatoes – straight off the Pennsylvania Avenue vine.


And it's all occurred while federally funded gardeners are furloughed, reaping only the worst of a bumper crop of shame. Since the start of the shutdown earlier this month, no one has been paid to clean up here, so Washington, D.C.’s squirrels, ever the patriots, have stepped up to the plate. And cleaned that plate well.

Everywhere there are tell-tale toothmarks in the Presidential peppers. In the White House garden, “squash” is no longer a crop but an action verb enacted by brazen bushytails. And as the nation’s debt crisis threatens to mushroom, chanterelles and portobellos are having their caps raised, again and again.

And all the while, Congress sits and vegetates.

A greater crisis looms, America, and it is a direct result of this horticultural coup d’etat: Consider the now-looming threat of squirrel obesity facing our nation as this Harvest Without End continues, and will continue ad infinitum, until Congress takes some action to end it along with the shutdown.

Otherwise, we shall picture soon a nation of squirrels with all the health issues concomitant with binge-eating and obesity, though not a single one of them even qualifies to receive treatment under Obamacare.

The squirrels will not stop until they press some gnawing sense of reality into our lawmakers. We can be sure of it. Because once the White House garden is finally devoid of anything but remnants of the fertilizer so pervasive throughout our nation's capital, the squirrels will discover they are, sadly, no different from most American citizens:

Completely fed up.

8 comments:

Chet Gottfried said...

They're bona fide U.S. squirrels, so of course they're fat. They want to fit in with the rest of us. (Or is that fit "out"?)

On the other hand, maybe they need to worry a little more in order to lose weight?

Perhaps elect them to Congress? We would have real go-getters then, instead of weak drinks.

Linda said...

LOL, thanks for making me smile!

Mort P. said...

Caryn, it's comforting to know the squirrels of our mighty land are eating well, and that all red-blooded squirrels remain adamantly opposed to acting or voting against their own interests, as the Republican Party wants us poor humans to do and keeps fooling many of us into doing. Here's a squirrel-bit tomato in their eye, and for the Tea Party a worse fate must surely be considered by the Great Council of U.S. Squirrels at their upcoming Confabulaba on the msll, n'est-ce pas?

Kathy said...

I enjoy a good tomato and a snack with those who have no voice of their own. Their numbers are quite large, and the powers that be keep forgetting that :)

Richard D. said...

This is wonderful, Caryn.
Those squirrels should eat the nuts on Capitol Hill but I'm not sure if the squirrels would like tea-flavoured nuts.

Leema Thomas said...

Squirrels fighting partial shutdown by causing a tomato jam. Great read. thanks Caryn.

OrlandoMonaVie said...

If they bite into wingnuts, they'll hurt their teeth.

News from Mad Plato said...

Funny. Good writing. Keeps us from going nuts.