16 June 2008

Squellephants and other genetic challenges

In a recent audition for NBC's "Last Comic Standing," a would-be funnyman named Dan Cummins, who lives in Minneapolis, told the audience that the pet of his dreams would be half Labrador retriever, half squirrel and would be called a "squirrelador." The 90-pound rodent, he said, would be capable of swimming but also adept at scaling to overhead power lines.

I can't say I argue at all with the concept but, with all due respect to Mr. Cummins, I do think there are far better combinations utilizing squirrellian talents to their fuller potential.

How about a squellephant? Pachyderms are already the appropriate color and they also already share a propensity for peanuts. Granted, you may not want one climbing your leg or sitting on your windowsill looking into your bathroom but at least you know they'd be visible when they were crossing the street, especially in packs.

Or a squawk? No, not the sound a bird makes, but the even more unlikely pairing with one of the raptors known to pursue squirrels as prey. A squawk, of course, would not prey on itself but would definitely be able to ascend to the skies, at fantastic heights, as a useful escape to land predation by, say, a fox. And as sharp as squirrels' claws already are, just think of the climbing power those talons might give them!

My personal favorite might be the squorse. Pairing up with an equine could produce the black, grey, red and even white varieties - all genetically possible - and just think of the heights these creatures might achieve over cross-rail obstacles on the Grand Prix jump course as they carry their extra bushy tails high above their saddles!

Don't forget the possibility of a liorrell. With a big mane and a mighty roar, it will set upon your bird feeder, steal your seed, topple your trees with its mighty weight and then try to force its way into your attic.

To those folks who read this and bemoan the fact that "those rodents" are "ruining" their yards, think twice before you regret the presence of squirrels of any kind. Things could be worse, you know. This is something everyone must try to remember - because a squellephant never forgets!

6 comments:

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Squirrelmama,
Your help is needed. My work colleagues came across a nest with two baby squirrels (no fur yet. eyes also not yet opened ....that we could see). The nest had fallen from the thatched roof of a house. What can we feed them and how?

squirrelmama said...

LGS, I have written you an e-mail, please check your mailbox for details. Hopefully I have reached you in time - these sound like neonates and they are quite fragile.

Chet said...

Hopefully the above worked out well! Now, to return to genetic challenges . . .

What about Squirrosaurus Rex, who won't take no for an answer. Squirrosaurus's favorite line is, "Are you feeling lucky, nut?"

Elizabeth said...

How about a squoose? Imagine seeing those bushy tails flying above you in a V-formation as they migrate south for the winter? (And, of course, the male of the species would be a squander...)

But I think my personal favourite would be a squotter. Although it might be weird seeing all those oak trees growing out of the sea floor!

The Mama Squirrel

squirrelmama said...

Elizabeth, aka Mama Squirrel, I think a squoose would be super, and I can just picture their migration. I think squotters would be fun, as would a family of dam-building squeavers!!
Chet, I hope the squirrosaurus Rex never becomes extinct! Unless they go into the ocean and are swallowed whole by Killer Squales.

chet said...

No fear of Squirrosaurus going extinct, Squirrelmama.

They evolved into the Golden-Mantle Sky Squiragle, who can spot an acorn from a mile above.